So, I’ve made establishing my sense of self my main goal for 2012. This is really an umbrella of sorts - I want to read more, have more intelligent discussion, stand up for what I believe in, become more independent, yadda yadda.

I feel like I have it in me to make big strides. A big thing I want to do is become more financially responsible. I’ve ridden my parents’ coattails for a long time, and it makes me feel pretty shitty. And now, with the divorce and all, there is a whole lot to go around. My parents are struggling to make ends meet for the first time in years, and having a son who is, for lack of a better term, a deadbeat (at least when it comes to matters involving finances), isn’t helping.

This whole matter of being financial dependent really stems from me relying on others far too often. This is kind of contradictory to my personality, as I don’t open up well to others.

I think I’ve dispelled any notions that I’m going to amount to anything in the traditional sense, that is, something that would make grandparents proud. I struggled with that for a long time, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m going to lead a very non-traditional life. But I don’t want to be frowned upon because I’m a 23-year-old college dropout who relies on his parents to bail himself out of poor decision making and a lack of foresight. I want to be a 23-year-old college dropout who is able to compensate for his poor decision making and lack of foresight.

I’m really just tired of feeling like I’m coasting through life. I want to be someone people can turn to, and I feel like I’m a hard person to turn to because I don’t have my life together.

I’m certainly not looking to become a total square who has no fun. Like I said before, I still want to make poor decisions. I just want to be able to take care of myself while doing so.

New Year’s Eve

If there’s one thing I will always do, it’s romanticize New Year’s Eve. I always look forward to a New Year, and I enjoy the possibility of new beginnings.

This past year, 2011, has blown by. It has without a doubt been one of the most eventful years of my life. My band put out a record and went on our first tour, and I think we have a lot to look forward to in 2012. Coming back from tour made me feel super inspired, and made me realize just how much I love making and playing music.

My personal life has been fairly tumultuous, as personal lives always seem to be. My parents getting divorced left some sort of imprint on me, but I’m still trying to figure out what that imprint is. My “love life” this year has been me trying to figure shit out and making a lot of poor decisions along the way.

The thing I’ve been thinking most about lately is how I have a tendency to be a chameleon of sorts. I feel like a lot of times I’m trying to blend in with the people around me, and it’s given me a really clouded sense of identity.

I’m not one for “resolutions.” I don’t like the idea of things being black and white, and with resolutions you set yourself up for a pass/fail kind of thing. But I do have some goals or whatever for 2012. I’d like to feel like I am always being myself, which goes hand in hand with figuring out who I really am. I’d like to see more of the people I love. I’d like to spend less time working, which means being fiscally responsible. I’d like to get out of this small town. I’d like to make an impact, whatever that impact may be.

I have a lot of really great people who got me through this year, and I’ll probably be leaning on these people a lot over the next few months. I am too lucky to have the friends that I have, and I need to remind myself of that. I’ll be spending tonight with a lot of them, and I’m looking forward to new memories and experiences with all of them in the new year.